


the second tetris block

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 20:15:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Things seem to be falling into place for Phil.





	the second tetris block

**Author's Note:**

> i take no responsibility for you, dear reader, choosing to google any noughties era viral video references contained within.

"What's his name, again? Dan, was it?" Kathryn asks. 

Phil knows she's teasing him. He's only said Dan's name a hundred times since the day Dan bought his train tickets for that first visit. 

His parents didn’t meet Dan then. They didn’t meet him the second time either, since Phil took the train down to London at Halloween. 

But they’re going to now and he’s trying not to think about how that makes his stomach feel just a bit queasy. If she’s teasing then he must really not be keeping up much of a poker face. 

He's always been shit at holding it in when he's properly excited about something. He can keep plenty of other secrets. He's more than proven that over the years. 

But there's not really ever been a person like Dan, and he's not really ever had to worry about giving too much away or saying the wrong thing in front of his parents. 

He's still only talked about Dan as a friend. His mum and dad don't know about kisses on the wheel or the way they stayed up and talked all night. As far as his parents know, it's just a friend from the internet, no different than PJ or Sarah-Grace or any of the people Phil went and visited in New York last year. 

It also helps that they really are going to film when Dan’s over. Plausible deniability, that’s all he really needs. 

*

Dan charms them. 

Phil knew he would. He's not sure how anyone could be anything but charmed by Dan. 

But Dan still lets out a huff of air when he plops down onto Phil's bed. "That was terrifying." 

"What?" Phil protests. "My mum and dad aren't scary." 

"Phil, they're terrifying," Dan says. 

Phil takes a moment just to look at him there before he joins him on the bed. Dan looks delicious, all stretched out with a shirt that's ridden up to show off a bit of his tummy. 

"Why?" Phil asks. 

"Because... they're your parents. And I want them to like me." 

Phil's stomach does that thing where it feels like it's full of liquid candy floss, like something so sweet it almost hurts. "They're gonna love you," he says. 

Dan stares at him with that look on his face, like he's so hopeful he's almost afraid. Phil doesn't know what to make of that look. He doesn't know what to make of Dan sometimes. He's like a dream that came to life, messy and moody and unpredictable and so, so beautiful. 

*

They have dinner with Phil's parents, and then play a game of Risk. 

Dan laughs a lot. It's not the same laugh that Phil's used to hearing, exactly. There's something slightly dialed up about it and it makes Phil warm inside to realize the laugh he hears is Dan's private laugh. 

But this one doesn't seem fake, either. It seems very real, the same way the look Dan gives Phil's mum looks real, the same way he seems slightly in awe when Phil's dad claps him on the shoulder as they say goodnight. 

*

"Your family is like something off television," Dan tells him. 

Phil feels uneasy about it. He knows things are a bit shit for Dan at home right now, and he knows how Dan has a way of forgetting that things can be rough for other people in different ways. 

Phil doesn't mind it, most of the time. But it leaves him feeling guilty for wanting to point out to Dan that if they were family off television Phil probably wouldn't still be smiling stiffly every time his mum mentions his future wife. 

He knows he won't be having one of those. Right now, there's not even room for anything in his head besides Dan being right here, in his house. In his bed. 

He rolls onto his side and kisses Dan, because there's just not much else he can do with that thought besides act on it. 

*

He's on top of Dan on their way to something nice when his mum shouts down the hall at them. In the moments before, he’s got his hand under Dan’s shirt, two fingers rubbing at Dan’s nipple while his mouth sucks at Dan’s neck. He’s thinking that he kind of wants to leave a mark. He’s never really done that before, but it’s something Dan said he liked. 

They’ve talked about a lot of things they like on those late night Skype calls. Some of them make Phil want to hide his face in a pillow now that Dan’s right here with him, but most of them just make him want to figure out how to jump the hurdle of awkwardness and get to the place where they talk as easily in person as they do online.

And if his mum can just not be in that place… that’d be great, too. 

"Fuck," Dan says, shoving Phil off of him. 

Phil grunts and then sits up. Dan’s already shuffling back against the headboard and grabbing a pillow to cover his crotch. Phil gets distracted staring at that, but then he hears his mum’s raised voice again and he remembers why he’s supposed to be flustered just like Dan is. 

“Shh-” he says, needlessly. 

They both listen for a moment. She's not even coming toward them, she's shouting something downstairs to Phil's dad. But it's confusing enough for his hard on and, clearly, for Dan.

“It’s okay,” Phil says. 

Dan grabs the pillow he’d been using to cover himself and hits Phil in the chest with it. “Buy a fucking lock.” 

*

Dan's first visit was all giddy and giggles and high on the newness of it. 

Halloween was being lost together in a sea of people and stealing moments where they could. 

This is... 

Something different. 

It's quiet whispers and words breathed into warm flesh to muffle the sounds of them. 

It's hands sneaking under the duvet. 

It's Dan on the little bed on Phil's sofa just long enough for Phil's mum to come and check on them. 

It's Phil wondering, paranoid, if she can know just by looking somehow. 

It's Phil's gut clenching when she asks over the next morning's breakfast if Dan wouldn't really rather have Martyn's room made up for him. 

(Bless Dan and his sharp mind, saying they're both night owls, saying Phil's teaching him about editing, saying he doesn't want to waste the time he could be learning on sleep.) 

* 

The have the house alone for a stretch of two hours, and they use it exactly the way one might expect they would. 

A quarter of it naked and the other three-quarters wanting to be naked but jumping every time the old house makes a sound, terrified it might be someone coming in. 

*

"Dan's lovely," Kathryn says, while Dan's in the shower. Phil's helping her do the washing up. "How'd you say you met again?" 

"Mum." Phil groans. "I already told you. Dan's interested in youtube, too." 

"But he just started making videos?" she asks. 

Phil shrugs. "Yeah. About a month ago." 

"You've known him longer than that, though," she points out. 

Why is she so freaking clever? Why can't she just be nodding and smiling when he talks, instead of actually listening? 

"Yeah," Phil says. "He liked my videos, so he messaged me." 

"Ooh," she coos. "So he was a proper fan then, was he?" 

“No,” Phil starts to say, defensive. 

"Actually-" Dan's voice interrupts them. "I was." 

Phil's eyes jerk over to Dan instantly. He just can't not look at Dan when Dan's in the room. 

Kathryn seems delighted. "Is that so?"

"Yeah." Dan's talking to her, but he's looking at Phil. "He's brilliant. He's like the best person on youtube."

Phil knows it isn't true, but he kind of hopes Dan keeps thinking it is for a long time. 

Kathryn beams. "Well, he always did have a creative mind." 

"Mum!" Phil ducks away when she tries to mess with his hair, and then uses it as an excuse to go across the room to where Dan is. "We're going out, alright?" 

She laughs. "Don't forget your sleeves, there's a chill in the air out!" 

*

She's right, it is a bit cold. 

Phil doesn't mind it all that much, though. 

"Was that okay?" Dan asks. 

He's been quiet since they left the house. Phil thought they were just enjoying the silence together, but now that he looks over Dan seems troubled. 

"Was what okay?"

"What I said." Dan won't quite look at him. "About you being my favorite youtuber." 

"Yeah," Phil says, surprised Dan had to ask. "I mean, no, I hate it when fit guys that I fancy tell people how brilliant they think I am." 

"Shut up." Dan shoves at him. "I meant in front of your mum."

Phil shrugs. "I don't really care." 

"Oh." Dan chews on his bottom lip where the skin seems to always be a little chapped. "Okay, good then. I was afraid I fucked up." 

"Never," Phil says. He reaches out and shoves his hand in Dan's pocket, grabbing Dan's fingers clumsily. "Seriously, don't worry about it, okay?" 

"I just..." Dan shrugs, but he holds Phil's hand back tightly. "I'd have a fucking stroke if my parents found out about me." 

"I mean, I'm not rushing to tell mine," Phil says. The idea actually makes his heart pound faster, but he doesn't want to tell Dan that. He wants to look cooler and stronger to Dan than he really is. "But I really don't think they'll think anything of it, anyway. I've had loads of friends come and stay with me." 

It's an exaggeration, in a way. He really has had loads of friends stay with him, but mostly they were people he knew from school. 

He's only met a couple people off of youtube in real life this way, just one on one. His mum knows about Charlie and Sarah and Stephen and John and all those people he gets mail from and spends his time on the phone with and she saw all the pictures from New York. 

"Okay," Dan says, risking a smile over at Phil. "If you're sure." 

He's really not but he likes that smile so much he offers back his own and says, "I am." 

*

"I want to take you to the abandoned hospital soon," Phil says. 

"Abandoned hospital?" Dan sounds dubious, at best. "Are you out of your frickin' mind, that just sounds like a nightmare." 

Phil laughs. "It is, but it's cool!" 

"Right, like, I'm just saying, I hope you like sleeping with every light in the house on." 

"Maybe we’ll go during the week my parents are away..." Phil's cheeks threaten to go pink just thinking about it. 

He only asked Dan if he wanted to stay last night. Dan said yes practically before Phil was finished explaining, and Phil still feels the residual giddiness from that. 

Of course, Dan has to actually ask his parents and he has to see if he can get time off of work. Phil knows Dan's boss has been cross at him for all the times he's said he's unavailable lately, that's why Dan's visiting mid-week now and can't stay nearly as long as either of them would like. 

Maybe it's a good thing, though. Maybe too many nights in a bed with Dan when they can't be noisy or constantly jump at sounds in the house would be actual torture. 

"I'll hold you if you get scared," Phil promises. 

"Yeah that's nice but like, you also have to actually protect me from ghost demons... is it really abandoned?" 

"Yeah," Phil says. "It has been for ages. Lots of people go there to sleep overnight on a dare. Or to smoke pot." 

Dan laughs. "I'm guessing you've never done the last one, at least?" 

Phil's almost offended, but it's easier not to be. "I've never done either, actually. Did snog a boy in there once." 

It's one of those things he doesn't think to not say until it's out of his mouth. Secretly it's almost nice how Dan's face goes a bit stormy, but Phil really hadn't meant to make Dan feel bad.

"Oh," Dan says. 

"He was a bad kisser," Phil offers. "Spit everywhere." 

Dan gives him a tight smile. "Gross." 

Phil moves in closer. "That's why I need to take you there. Need to replace all those bad snog memories with some good ones." 

Now the smile seems a bit more real. "What about handjob memories?" 

Phil grins widely. "We can make some of those if you want." 

"Maybe," Dan says. "Or maybe something else?" 

Phil's stomach swoops. They haven't actually done more than handjobs, though they've talked about plenty on skype. "Yeah?" 

"Would that turn you on?" Dan asks. "Me blowing you at an abandoned hospital?"

"Um." Phil isn't sure how to answer that. The truth is that Dan blowing him anywhere turns him on. 

Dan keeps going, regardless of Phil's lack of real response. "I'll have to see how scary it really is. You may not want a blowjob from me if it's actually freaky. I'd jump and end up biting your dick off." 

Phil lets out a horrified sound and covers his crotch with his hands. "Don't do that!" 

"I wouldn't on purpose, you idiot," Dan cackles. "But like, a ghost would touch my elbow and I'd just - chomp." 

"No, no, stop." Phil whines. "Stop talking about it." 

Dan's laughing too hard to actually keep going, which works out well for Phil. 

*

They walk until the sun starts to set. "We should probably go back home," Phil says. 

Dan doesn't argue, he just says, "Okay." 

"Mum's probably got something we can have for dessert." 

"Do you always think of food?" Dan asks. 

"Yeah," Phil says. He's not sure how Dan didn't catch on to that sooner. 

"If I had a mum that cooked like you, I'd probably be excited about family dinners too," Dan admits. 

"My mum likes cooking for you. She likes cooking for all my friends when I have them 'round, but I think she especially enjoys feeding you." 

"She did say I was too thin like, five times," Dan says. 

"She says that to me every time I come home from uni - came home." 

Dan laughs. "Still not used to being back home?" 

Phil makes a face at him. "It's just weird. Like, I already want to be gone. I want my own proper place, but I need a job first, and it's like all these confusing adult things just happened." 

"Don't tell me that," Dan says. "I need to keep believing that university will make my whole life different and once I'm there everything will suddenly be better." 

"It will be," Phil says immediately. He doesn't know everything about how shit Dan's home life is, but he knows enough. "I loved uni. It's just the after that's the problem. I feel like I blinked and all my friends already have jobs and I'm just... sitting around getting shouted at by my dad for not getting my laundry done and moved over." 

"Once I leave I'm never going back," Dan swears, a determined look on his face. "I don't care if I sleep on the street as long as it's not in Wokingham." 

Phil frowns. "I'd never let you sleep on the street." 

Dan seems surprised out of his rant by Phil's words. His whole face goes softer. "You're too fucking good, okay." 

Phil shrugs. "I'm not." 

"You are." Dan leans over and quickly kisses Phil on the cheek. "And I like it. No one's ever been this nice to me before." 

"You deserve it," Phil says. 

Dan gives him a look Phil's sure he's never seen directed at him before. Their eyes meet and they stare and stare and stare. 

The house is in view, or he'd probably do something impulsive, like full on kiss Dan right back. 

*

They have to kiss goodbye in Phil's bedroom, because his parents are home and even though Phil's going with Dan to the train station to see him off, they won't be brave enough to kiss there, either. 

So they linger. They linger for as long as they can, Dan's hands tucked daringly into Phil's back pockets while Phil digs his chin into Dan's shoulder in a probably painful way. 

"I don't wanna go," Dan whispers. 

Phil's heart constricts painfully. 

"I don't want you to go," he says, but in the end he's the one who pulls away so Dan doesn't miss his train. 

*

Kath has a plastic container in her hand when they walk downstairs. She hands it to Dan, and Phil knows without having to ask that it's full of whatever she's baked most recently. 

Dan looks at it like it's an alien object thrust into his grasp. He looks up at her and then over at Phil. 

"Mum," Phil whines, exasperated. "You didn't even ask if he wanted any!" 

She looks absolutely affronted at the concept of someone not wanting her cakes. "Dan, darling, do you want to break a poor old woman's heart by refusing the-"

"No, no," Dan says quickly, eyes wide. He pops the lid open and they just get wider. "These officially aren't going to make it to the end of the train ride. They may not even make it to the station." 

"Well, not if you let that one at them." She points at Phil. "Remember, child, those are for Dan, not for you." 

"Yes, mum," Phil says, in a dutifully toneless voice. 

She gives him a kiss on the cheek that he doesn't even bother shying away from, then steps in to bundle Dan up in a great big hug. "I hope you have a safe journey back to the southlands. You're always welcome back, do you hear?" 

It's the same thing Phil's heard her say to almost every friend he's had over since as far back as he can remember, but he's not sure he's ever been quite so proud to hear it as he is right now. 

*

Days drag on. 

He spends most of his days filming and editing videos. 

He works on a few other projects. He has a few drunken nights out with his friends. 

He talks to Dan a lot. A _lot_ a lot. 

He also misses Dan. It's weird how he's only now learning what it feels like to really miss someone. There have been guys before, but never one guy that he both wanted and could have. 

And god - he can _have_ Dan. Dan wants to be had. Dan wants to have Phil right back. And Phil wants him to. It's all just a mind blowingly reciprocal circle of wanting and having and he's out of his mind with how unfair it is that they've got all those miles between them. 

It's most keen in the days just before his parents leave. He'll only have one night alone between them setting off to the airport, and Dan showing up. He has plans of spending that day sorting out his room and making sure all his pants don't smell of ball sweat and going to the shop to get as much food as he can carry back with him. 

He could just tell his mum he's got a friend coming over. She'd probably be so embarrassed at the state of his room that she’d do his laundry for him, and she'd certainly take him to the shop. 

He doesn't, though. He remembers the look on her face when she asked about Dan last time. Maybe it's just a matter of feeling guilty because he's got something to hide, and maybe she doesn't really have the ability to look at him and know exactly what he's getting up to with that boy from Wokingham in his bedroom. 

But he still bites his tongue. He'll tell her Dan's over, he won't keep it from her. But he's gotten good over the years at selective application of the truth. 

*

He really does mean to get around to the laundry and the shopping, but as soon as he finishes lunch with his parents and swears ten times over to his dad that he won't burn the house down he goes straight to his phone and finds seven new messages from Dan. 

It's possible Dan is a little impatient, too. 

Dan's also apparently making plans, based on the pinkness of his cheeks and the way he's breathing slightly heavily when their Skype call connects. 

"Did you just get in?" Phil asks. He's sure that's not it, but he doesn't want to assume the wrong thing. 

"Um." Dan goes even pinker. "No." 

"Oh." Phil licks his bottom lip. "What were you doing, then?" 

"Um." Dan looks genuinely conflicted. "Stuff." 

"Stuff?" Phil's eyes flicker down just so. 

They've gotten so good at this sort of non-verbal communication, at least over a computer line. 

Dan shrugs. "You know. Stuff." 

"I think I know. But you should tell me." 

Dan lets out a noisy sigh. "You're evil." 

"Mhm," Phil agrees. "Now tell me." 

He can tell he's won when Dan stretches back against the wall, computer tilted against his knees.

"Just... thinking about you. That kind of stuff."

"I do a lot of stuff when I think about you." Phil isn't sure where this boldness is coming from, but he wants to chase the feeling. 

"Maybe you should be the one telling me," Dan says. 

Phil shakes his head. "You first." 

"It's..." He smirks a little. "Hard." 

"Oh, is it?" 

"Telling you things," Dan clarifies.

"Are you sure that's all that's hard?" 

Dan's laugh sounds almost like a bark. "Jesus, Phil." 

"You can pick one," Phil says. "You don't have to call me both." 

Dan flips him off. "I was having a wank, are you bloody happy now?" 

"Yes." Phil grins wide at him. "Happy and also turned on now." 

Dan's smile fades into... something else. But a good something else. "Tell me more." 

"You still haven't gone," Phil says. 

"I did too!" Dan argues. "I told you I was wanking when you rang." 

"I want more than that," Phil says. "I want to know all the details." 

"Like what?" 

"What you were thinking about." 

"I was thinking about you." Dan's eyes are intense on the screen. 

"What about me?" 

"What we did last time," Dan says. "Your hands on me." 

There's a warm flush crawling through Phil's system now. He spreads his legs a little to accommodate the blood pulsing between his legs more comfortably. "I liked having my hands on you." 

"I want your hands on me again." Dan's hand disappears from view and Phil can just imagine him gripping himself, squeezing and tugging. 

He thinks about it so much. Every night just about, when he's alone in bed, arm moving frantically under his duvet. 

"I want more than my hands on you," Phil says. "Do you still wanna do what you talked about?" 

He's touching himself now. Everything he fantasizes about Dan doing so many miles away, he's doing to himself right here and now. 

"Yeah," Dan says. The laptop moves a little bit and he has to grab it to keep it from sliding. "Fuck. I can't-" 

"It's okay," Phil says. "I just want to hear you." 

"You have like, ah. Some kind of fetish? For just listening?" 

"No," Phil says. "I don't think so. Is it a fetish if it's just because I want to pretend you're here beside me? Maybe it is. Maybe I have a Dan fetish." 

"Shut up." Dan says it in a way that tells Phil he doesn't want Phil to shut up at all, that he's actually quite happy with Phil saying that. "You don't want to see?" 

"Do you want to show me?" 

"You make me sound like some fucking internet perv," Dan says. "Just trying to show people my cock." 

"I want to see," Phil says. "But I want to see it in person. I want to really look. Then I'll be the perv, just staring at your willy." 

"You show me yours and I'll show you mine?" Dan offers. 

"Deal." Phil giggles, high and giddy. His hand is barely moving on himself now and he's not sure if it's normal to be caught off guard with such pure and overwhelming affection in the middle of getting off together over skype. 

But he is. Because that's what Dan does to him, and he hopes Dan feels the same way. 

*

His mum calls him as he's walking to the bus stop. The wind is sharp on his face and he huddles in his jacket, waiting to ring her back until he's sat down. 

He's glad there are only two other people on the bus right now. He hates talking on the phone when there are people who are around that can hear him. 

"Haven't burned the house down yet, then?" she asks. "Don't forget you've got those spaghetti bolognese leftovers. They're in the blue dish."

"I know, I remember!" He actually had them already for breakfast but he knows if he tells her that, she'll fuss at him. 

"Oh, he knows, does he?" She says. 

He hates how amused she sounds. His nerves can't handle being fondly mocked by anyone... except Dan, maybe. 

He sulks long enough that she just keeps on talking. "Your father says to make sure that you use your cocaine responsibly and only invite the nice strippers over, and not the ones that'll steal the good silverware." 

"Nice strippers only, got it." Phil almost takes the moment. He almost just tells her that someone is coming over, and who exactly that person is. 

But the elderly woman who just got on gives him a disapproving look that makes him want to sink into the ground, and the moment passes. 

*

He gets to Manchester Piccadilly an hour early and has two coffees while he waits, to kill time and also try and drive the late November chill from his bones. 

Then he has another when Dan suggests Starbucks as soon as they're clear of the train station, because Dan wants to warm himself up too, and Phil doesn't bother saying he's already caffeinated himself into a nervous mess so he just agrees and pretends like he hasn't had a coffee yet that day. 

Dan already knows how to get to 'their' Starbucks and he makes a beeline right for the same sofa that they've commandeered both times they've been here. 

"How was the train?" Phil asks, foot tap tap tapping against the ground as nerves surge through him. 

He wonders when he'll stop feeling like this is something precious that's all his to lose if he says the wrong thing. 

"Phil." Dan gives him a look. "We texted literally the whole time. You know exactly how it was. Cold as balls and fuckstupid long." 

"Oh." Phil laughs, and feels a bit dumb. "Yeah, that's true. Um." 

"But I can tell you that this caramel macchiato is an actual orgasm in my mouth," Dan says, eyes sliding shut as he takes another drink. "This is like, the best thing I've ever tasted." 

Phil's brain is stuck on the words 'orgasm in my mouth' and by the glance Dan shoots him, he doesn't think that was an accident. 

*

There's a lot they haven't done before. A lot of it they've talked about in whispered conversations over a phone or a skype line, ones that ended with their hands down their pants breathing heavy at each other. 

They're going to do some of those things this weekend, and Phil knows it. It's all he can think about, beyond the general burst of pure shocked pleasure at the fact that Dan is here. 

But he's going to keep himself under control enough not to scare Dan away, and that's why he asks, "What do you want to do next?" 

It's also why Phil will be happy no matter what answer Dan gives. 

"Um." Dan bites his lip. "Food. I'm like, well starved. And I guess after that..." 

He trails off. 

"We could, um." Phil swallows. "If you're tired from the train, we could just go back to mine." 

"Yeah," Dan says quickly. "Food, and then back to yours." 

*

There's a lingering awkwardness for about ten minutes after they step into the front door of Phil's family home, before the kissing starts. 

They do have food. It's sitting in bags on the counter growing cooler with every passing second. 

Phil - for once in his life - has no appetite for it. He doesn't want to taste anything but Dan right now. 

He's just not sure how to say it. 

Luckily Dan is still the brave one, spinning on his heels. His eyes are bright and his voice is projecting a confidence Phil's not sure he really has when he says, "Can we just go to bed?" 

*

Phil squirms, sucking in a breath. 

He's worried now, suddenly drowning in insecurities over things he doesn't normally think twice about. Is he too pale, too scrawny? Should he have shaved his chest? Or his pubic hair? Does Dan think all his freckles and moles are weird? 

It's not like no one has ever seen his naked body before, but... there weren't that many boys at uni, and none of them mattered quite like Dan. 

He's afraid to release his breath. He holds it until his chest starts to burn and then lets it go noisily. "Dan," he says. "Say something." 

"Can't," Dan croaks. "You're too hot." 

It takes a few seconds for that to register. "Shut up," Phil says, because surely Dan is taking the piss. 

But Dan's eyes are wide in a shocked way and he reaches out to splay his hands on Phil's thighs, just touching the bottom of Phil's brightly colored pants. "It's true." 

"Shut up," Phil says again, more softly. 

Dan slides his left hand from Phil's thigh upwards. His big hand covers Phil with a warm, heavy pressure. 

Phil has to swallow hard against the noise that wants to rise up in his throat. 

"You're so hot," Dan says. He licks his lips, and Phil genuinely can't tell if he's trying to be seductive or if he just is. "And you feel good. You're gonna taste good, too." 

Phil's stomach flips. "Dan..."

"Can I?" Dan asks. His hands don't shake the way Phil's would as he rubs his fingertips against the elastic of Phil's waistband. 

Phil can't nod quickly enough. He watches as Dan peels his pants down, and tries not to flush even more with embarrassment when he's so hard that his cock slaps against his belly as soon as it's free of the material. 

Dan _whines_. 

"You've got the best one I've ever seen," Dan says, curling his fingers around it. He's not as nervous or as shy as Phil thinks he'd be, but he's unashamedly eager and there's something about that eagerness that makes Phil feel lighter than air. "Like, seriously." 

"Oh." Phil may not really want to think about Dan seeing other dicks, but he does like hearing that. "Good." 

"I just..." Dan whines again. "Can I?" 

"Yeah, yes. Yeah." Phil nods almost frantically. 

Dan's too earnest to be seductive right now. He closes his mouth around the tip and licks inside the foreskin, then sucks with a slightly slurpy sound that makes them both stop to giggle. "Oops." 

"'s okay," Phil says, just in case Dan needs to hear it. 

He'll say whatever Dan needs to get Dan's mouth back on him. 

Then Dan's mouth is there and it's all heat and wet and suction and Phil’s eyes eyes glued to Dan's face, Dan's pink lips wrapped around him. He feels like he's hurtling along a roller coaster track, and he has no idea when the ride will end but he's pretty sure he won't get a whole lot of warning when it does. 

It's just too much. The sight, the sounds, just the thought that this is Dan - Dan! - in his bed sucking him off. He clenches his fingers tight in his bedsheets and digs his heels into the mattress. He's sure he's squirming too much but Dan isn’t going too deep so it doesn't seem to matter. Dan just bobs and sucks and licks at the tip. Nothing is all that coordinated, but what he doesn't have in consistency he makes up for in enthusiasm and that's probably the only reason Phil lasts the five minutes that he did. 

It barely feels like any time before he's groaning and squirming away from Dan. He shoves halfheartedly at Dan's hand and says, "I'm gonna-" 

"Oh!" Dan pulls back just in time, the first shot hitting him on the chin. Phil covers Dan's hand with his own and guides the rest onto his stomach, churning with embarrassment and still twitching with his orgasm.

"I'm sorry-"

He stops talking abruptly when Dan lifts his hand up and wipes his chin with the back of it, then licks the mess right off. 

* 

Phil's a little embarrassed that they really did fall right into bed, but as he wakes up from the impromptu two hour nap that followed the whole blowjob thing he can't really be that upset about anything. 

He rolls onto his side and finds Dan still deeply asleep, pink lips chapped and parted. His eyelashes are long against his cheeks and everything about him looks strong and delicate at the same time. 

Phil realizes his own sappiness. It's almost a shock to him. He's not someone who feels like this about boys, not on this level. He's chased and chased it, he's been desperate for it. Just a year ago he was sat miserable in his room in York fielding rejection after rejection on that dating app, wondering if he was somehow being punished for the fact that what he wanted wasn't the impersonal one night stands and hook ups that seemed to be all he could find readily available. 

He's spent what feels like half his life desperately searching for someone who would make him feel the way Dan does. He knows there's a word for what the feeling is, but that word is scary for Phil who's sure he's never felt it before. 

So he doesn't think at all, he just lets his brain wander off to a blank and peaceful place and contents himself to stare at Dan until Dan wakes up. 

* 

It's only been a day and Phil doesn't ever want Dan to leave. 

It's the constant background loop in his head as he stands in the kitchen making them toast, as he chases Dan through the hallway shrieking about something stupid, as they curl up in their pajamas on the sofa together with their laptops both open. They're sharing links and tilting their screens so the other person can see and it's just a sort of bliss Phil didn't really know was missing from his life. 

Until his mum rings. 

His stomach drops as soon as he sees her name on the phone. 

"It's, um... hold on." He jumps up, leaving Dan confused in the puddle of blankets they'd been sharing. 

He goes all the way upstairs to his room, answering it on the last ring before it would have gone to voicemail. "Mum."

"You sound all out of breath, child," she says. "Don't tell me you were doing an exercise?" 

He laughs sharply. "Do you even know me?" 

"What was I thinking? Of course. How are you then?" 

He told her that she didn't need to check on him every single day, but he's not really surprised she didn't listen. This is the same woman who rang him every day for the first three months of university to make sure he wasn't slacking on dental hygiene. 

"I'm good," Phil says. Then before he can stop it, that niggling feeling of unrest that comes from having a secret takes over and he blurts out, "Dan's here." 

"Dan?" She sounds confused. "From Wokingham?" 

"Yeah," Phil says. "He got the train up." 

"Just to see you?" she asks. 

He thinks about lying. He could maybe come up with some sort of excuse, like Dan has another friend here or that he's thinking of going to university in Manchester. 

But he doesn't. "Yeah." 

"When did-" 

Phil barges ahead, not even wanting to know what she's going to ask. "We're going to film some more stuff for youtube." 

That's true at least. They're going to do a question and answer video for Dan's channel soon. Dan's already tweeted about it. 

"You and your videos," she fusses. "I do hope you tidied first." 

"Mum, the house is already clean, you always leave it like that." 

"Not your room, I don't," she says. "Need one of those chemical suits before I could get through that." 

"Hazmat," he says. "And no you don't! I did tidy." 

He definitely didn't. But Dan hasn't complained. 

"How long is he staying?" she asks. 

"I dunno yet." That one's not true, but he just hopes she won't call him on it. He's not sure why saying 'the whole week' feels like too much. He's still trying to straddle that line. 

"Well, make sure you feed the boy," Kathryn says. "He's as skinny as a rail, that one."

"Of course I'll feed him," Phil says, defensive now. Mostly out of a guilty conscience; there actually isn't any food, since he never got around to going to Tesco before Dan arrived. Dan's been whining about being hungry for a few hours now, and Phil's sure they'll just end up ordering pizza for dinner. 

"Something that isn't pizza," she adds. "Try to aim for more than grease and bread."

"Pizza is a whole food group by itself," Phil argues. "I can order something better if you let me use the credit card, though!" 

"That's for emergencies," she says. 

"I guess if you don't consider my nutrition an emergency..." 

"You birth a child out of your very own body and he just grows up to try and emotionally manipulate your love." She sighs dramatically. "The sad state of being a mum in this day and age." 

"Fine, fine," Phil grumbles. "I'll use what's in the bank."

"That we put there," she reminds him. 

He hates the weird stab of guilt and shame that comes from that. He really needs a job. It's just overwhelming and scary and right now he'd rather go back to sitting on the sofa with Dan pretending that nothing else in the world exists. 

*

"Don't you want to know what I got?" Phil asks, holding his advent calendar in his hand like the prized possession that it is. 

"The suspense is killing me." Dan's voice drops with sarcasm. He's stretched out on the sofa in his pajamas with his laptop on his lap. 

Phil doesn't care. His enthusiasm for advent calendars can't be dulled. He pries open the door with clumsy fingers, ripping it a little bit, then plucks out the festive shaped chocolate. "A snowman!" 

"Wow!" Dan continues to mock. "How original!" 

Phil shoves the whole thing into his mouth and then says, "Dan, it's almost like the Christmas spirit hasn't visited you yet."

"Father Christmas can shove his oranges up his-" 

"Dan!" Phil is aghast as he sits down on the opposite side of the sofa. He doesn't pick his computer back up yet. 

"Did you ever just open all the doors of your advent calendar at once?" Dan asks. "You seem like the kind of kid that would." 

Phil sheepishly nods. "I didn't see the point in waiting! My mum used to get so mad." 

"Your mum is a wise woman," Dan says. "And a patient one." 

"I'm patient now. I learned how to be." 

Dan hums disbelievingly. 

"Shut up!" Phil says, and lobs a throw pillow at Dan. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"No, I want to open the rest of your advent calendar," Dan says. "You're basically depriving me of food here, and now I know you've got twenty three chocolates left." 

Dan's been whining for ages at the sad state of the pantry. There are lots of weird boring ingredients that he doesn't know what to do with, but not a lot that hits his or Dan's level of cooking skill. 

"Dan!" Phil isn't pretending as much anymore. 

"Come on, Phil. Tap into your inner child," Dan says. 

"I'll tap into your mum," Phil shoots back. 

"I mean, if you really wanna, I can ring her up for you but just so you know - you'll never be my real dad." 

"Dan!" Phil's laughing this time. 

"Not that that's a bad thing," Dan adds. "You wouldn't wanna be my real dad." 

"I don't want to be your any kind of dad." 

"Daddy." Dan smirks and winks. 

"Ew!" Phil leans over to grab the pillow Dan's still loosely holding onto just so he can throw it back at Dan again. "You're so messed up." 

"Probably," Dan agrees, and it's one of those moments that slips from silly to serious without Phil realizing. 

Dan just does that sometimes. It's hard for Phil. His mind doesn't work that fast between moods. Sometimes he feels like he's caught in a wind storm and the storm is Dan. It just keeps shifting back and forth. 

"What movie do you want to watch?" Phil asks, because he'd rather distract Dan, this time. 

"Wall-E," Dan says. 

Phil smiles instantly. It's something they talked about watching together on Skype. "Can we have cuddles while we watch it?" 

Dan shuts his laptop right away. "Yes. Cuddles please." 

*

They do have cuddles while they watch it. 

Dan's the one who starts sniffing first. He curls in closer to Phil and rubs his cheek against Phil's shoulder. Phil isn't sure if that means Dan's trying to hide the tears or not but just in case he is, Phil doesn't say anything. 

Then Phil feels the tears welling in his own eyes and on one level he loves this - he loves that films can do this to him, for him. Sometimes it's just like an emotional valve releasing. 

"Fucking Pixar," Dan mumbles, not masking how his voice is scratchy. 

So Phil doesn't either. "Yeah," he says. 

Dan pulls back to look at him. "You're crying." 

"I'm not... really," Phil says, mildly uncomfortable. 

Dan just stares at him. "You are a little bit." 

"Well, it's a sad movie." 

"You cry at sad movies," Dan says. 

Phil shrugs. "Sometimes." 

He's not expecting Dan to learn forward and kiss him, but he's not going to complain either. He's mostly just confused when Dan smiles widely and then settles even more snugly. He's practically on Phil's lap now. 

For the rest of the movie Dan laughs freely, cries freely, and holds tight to Phil. Phil still isn't sure exactly what he did to make Dan so happy, but he's glad for it whatever it was. 

*

The next day Dan refuses to have jam on toast even one more timel, so Phil says, "Alright, then. Let's go to Tesco." 

Phil points out lots of sights to Dan along the way. He shows Dan the school he went to and the vet that he did work experience at. He chatters the whole way, buzzing with a strange excitement over doing something so mundane with someone so... not. 

He thinks maybe Dan feels the same way too. They keep giggling over the silliest things as they walk the aisles of the supermarket, dropping biscuits and frozen pizzas and bags of crisps into the basket. Dan gets oranges because he says he needs something healthy and Phil gets Ribena because he says that counts as a fruit. Phil gets eggs and promises Dan he'll make him scrambled eggs to go with the toast for breakfast. 

He's daydreaming about bringing it to Dan in bed when Dan holds up a packet of chicken breasts and says excitedly, "We should cook something!" 

They find a stir fry recipe on the internet and then gather half the ingredients before abandoning it to buy a bagged frozen stir fry that they decide will be just as good and not nearly the effort. 

At one point, Dan disappears for a few minutes. Phil's mulling over different brands of hot chocolate (before settling on triple cocoa with extra mini marshmallows) and barely even notices he's gone until he turns around clutching his choice. 

Dan pops back just as Phil is getting worried. He looks nervous but bold, the way Dan often does, when he says, "Hey, come here." 

Phil picks up the piled high basket and follows Dan one aisle over - to the personal care section. 

"I was thinking we should, um." Dan stops in front of the lube. 

He's facing the shelf and won't look at Phil, who can't stop looking at Dan. 

"Oh." Phil says. 

He can see Dan's shoulders go tense. "Unless you-" 

"No," Phil quickly says. "I mean - yes. Yeah. We... yeah." 

Dan looks at him hesitantly. "Yeah?"

"_Yeah_." Phil risks a little grin. 

Dan relaxes instantly. "So what kind?" 

"I mean, I just usually-" Phil waves a hand out at one of the most generic bottles. 

Dan snorts. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," Phil says. "What'd you expect?"

"With your sweet tooth. Thought you'd got for like, something flavored." 

"I've never tried a flavored one," Phil admits. 

"Well..." Dan seems more at ease now. In fact, more at ease than Phil, who flushes guiltily when an older woman walks by them trying to find the denture cream. "Earth to Phil?" 

"Oh, um. What?" Phil asks. 

Dan smirks. "Cherry, pina colada, or pineapple?"

In the end, they get all three. 

*

He spends over half the money his parents gave him for the week on the shop. As he watches Dan help bag the things they bought and sees the flash of brightly colored plastic bottles, he decides it's definitely worth it. 

*

They're both getting very good at blowjobs very fast, Phil thinks, slunk down on the couch cushions. His legs are spread and feet planted firm on the ground while Dan works busy on his cock. 

He's not even sure what time it is. They fell asleep together and he woke up hard and pressed against Dan and he just - wanted. He's sure he woke Dan up moving into him, rocking gently, but as soon as Dan was awake he grabbed Phil's hand and guided it down and that turned into groping and making out as they writhed together until Dan finally pulled away, and... 

And here they are. Phil staring down at his cock disappearing into Dan's mouth as Dan drops lower and lower. He pulls off twice to cough and Phil weakly says, "You don't have to-" 

But Dan's got that determined look on his face and Phil already knows Dan well enough to know when he's got that look that he's not going to stop what he's doing for anyone or anything. 

Phil doesn't really want him to, anyway. It's not like Dan's deep throating or anything but he is trying to take more and more and Phil's greedy for the way it looks and the way it feels. 

He shuts his eyes and bites his lip and definitely doesn't think about how his whole family gathers in this room to play board games and how he'll forever associate this sofa with Dan giving him a blowjob. His ass clenches and he lifts it up a little bit and then gasps as Dan's hands slide under it, squeezing the cheeks. 

A laugh bursts out of him. Dan laughs back, winking cheekily, and the vibration of the chuckle feels electric. It's not much longer before he's coming. He tries to warn Dan to push off, but Dan just shakes his head this time and holds Phil's gaze fully as he swallows down the load. 

*

He returns the favor. It doesn't take all that long; Dan's practically there before Phil's even got a real taste. 

He swallows too and his dick is twitching with the need to get hard again at how Dan grabs his face to kiss him right after. The taste of the kiss is sharp and Phil doesn't know if that's him or Dan or maybe the combination of them both, but it's the hottest experience he's ever had. 

*

It's after two in the morning by the time they finally get up to bed. 

"You're a bad influence," Phil says, yawning into his hand. 

He watches as Dan strips down to his pants without any hesitation. He's not sure he'll ever get tired of looking at Dan's body, but it's even better how Dan just crawls right into Phil's bed like it's where he's always meant to be. 

Phil strips a little more clumsily and then dives in beside him, laughing at Dan's grunt when Phil's weight lands on him. 

"You absolute animal," Dan says, shoving him off.

Phil growls his best lion impression, then shapes his hands into claws and 'sinks' them into Dan's sides. 

Dan shrieks and starts to wiggle immediately, but he's pushing more into Phil than away from him and as soon as Phil feels the warmth of Dan's thigh between his leg he settles down. His attack turns into a kiss with almost no effort and then Dan's arms are warm and tight around him and their chests are pressed together and it's a while before they finally do get to sleep. 

*

“We should film that q&a we talked about,” Dan says. 

They’re still in bed, cereal bowls drying on the nightstand in what will probably be a disgusting fashion. They were up too late and slept in too long, but it’s not like anyone’s mum is here to fuss at them over at. 

(Maybe Phil’s own mum did try to call again. He’ll ring her back later in the day.) 

“Oh, right,” Phil says. “Did you tweet asking for questions?” 

Dan shakes his head. “Not yet.” 

“Well….” Phil nudges at Dan’s leg with his toes. “I think that questions are important to a question and answer.” 

“Are they, though?” Dan says it in a sarcastic voice that makes Phil laugh. “We could do the world’s first… ‘and answer’ video.” 

“An answer?” 

“And, like question and answer, minus the question.” 

“What would that even look like?” 

“Maybe it’s just questions that I ask that you edit the question part out of. So it only leaves your answers?” 

“Wait,” Phil says. “I’m editing this?”

“You are editing jesus,” Dan reminds him. “I am but a lowly… apostle.” 

Phil holds his hands up, fingers curled in almost like claws. “Jesus lightning bolts.” 

Dan pretends to die. 

“So anyway, if this is on your channel, then it ought to be me asking you the questions,” Phil points out. “Like how you asked them to me on my channel.” 

“Oh. Right. Well, then.” Dan looks at Phil. “What are your questions?”

Phil rubs his hands together and cackles maniacally. “This will be fun - wait, how dirty can I be?” 

“All the dirty,” Dan says, without even pausing. “Like, mega-porn filthy. Danisnotonfire is not a place for kids.”

“Really?” Phil is surprised. “You don’t want anyone to be able to watch your videos?” 

Dan shrugs. “I don’t think my sense of humor is for babies.” 

“I make babies cry,” Phil informs him. 

“You make me cry,” Dan says, in the same tone as a _your mum_ joke. 

Phil adopts a fake deep voice. “Yeah right I do. Make you cry my name.”

“... damnit,” Dan says. “I can’t even argue that.” 

It makes Phil grin more than it maybe should. “Tweet for questions,” he says, and then scoots in closer until he can see Dan’s laptop screen. 

He watches as Dan types out: _so ask me anything you want to know. or say something that'll make us roflolkittensmao. I HAVE FAITH IN U GUYZ xD <3 <3 thankyou :)_

_and remember, as its for my channel, not his, you can be as obscene or inappropriate as you like! in fact the more disturbing the better xD_

“Dan!” Phil protests. “We’re just gonna get the link to lemon party like fifty bazillionty times now.” 

“I have faith in our followers,” Dan says. “We’ll get lemon party and tub girl.” 

Phil recoils. “My best mate once left that up on the laptop screen and then closed it. I nearly sicked everywhere the next time I opened it.”

“Your best mate?” Dan asks, voice probably sharper than he means for it to be. “Who’s that?” 

“Ian,” Phil says. “I’ve mentioned him, right?”

“Oh.” Dan shrugs. “I guess so. Didn’t know you were like, proper best mates.” 

“Yeah, I guess we are,” Phil says. “We’ve known each other since year nine when I tried to date a girl for a week and she forgot we were dating and kissed him at the cinema instead.” 

“Brutal,” Dan says. “You didn’t hate his guts after that?” 

“Not really.” Phil shrugs. “It probably helps that I really didn’t want to be kissing the girl anyway. I just wanted to have a girlfriend so I didn’t feel so weird and out of place.” 

Dan’s expression changes, something more sad and subdued creeping over his features. “Yeah,” he says. “I get that.” 

“Is that why you got a girlfriend?” Phil asks. Dan hasn’t wanted to talk about some of these things before, but Phil still wants to know. He wants Dan to trust him. 

“Yes and no, I guess?” Dan says. He shuts the laptop and pushes it aside. “People already assumed they knew who I was and what I liked. I just wanted them to stop calling me gay. And I did… I fancied her, I think? Like, right in the beginning, it was really nice. She liked me and we laughed together. She thought my dumb jokes were funny.” 

“It sounds like you were friends,” Phil says softly. 

Dan gives him a surprised look. “Yeah. We were. And it was good when we were friends. But then it just… turned into a roller coaster made of shit. And somehow I was operating it and also in the front car. I think it’s safe to say we aren’t friends anymore.” 

“I’m sorry, Dan.” Phil reaches out and takes Dan’s hand lightly, leaving plenty of space for Dan to pull away if he wants. 

“Where were you two years ago,” Dan mumbles, leaning into Phil completely. 

“Too old for you.” 

“Shut up.” Dan shoves at him. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah, but.” Phil lets go of Dan’s hand and grabs him, wrapping his arms around Dan completely. “I think the timing worked out just perfect, don’t you? I don’t think I’d have been ready for you before now.” 

“Really?” Dan asks. He slides his leg between Phil’s and they’re proper cuddling now, just the way Phil loves. 

“You’re more mature than me,” Phil says. “Or at least, way more mature than I was when I was your age. I reckon you wouldn’t have liked eighteen year old Phil very much.” 

“It’s hard to imagine any version of Phil I wouldn’t like,” Dan says. 

“But I was just… there were a lot of things I just wanted to ignore or pretend didn’t exist in the world,” Phil says. He’s trying to verbalize things he’s never explained to another person before. It’s strange how Dan makes him want to do that. “I knew I was gay, but I also felt okay never telling anyone about it. I thought it was just like, as long as no one ever knows, not my mum and dad or my brother or Ian or anyone, then my life gets to stay normal. When I was your age, I didn’t even let myself think about the things I wasn’t thinking about enough to know I wasn’t thinking about them.” 

He’s not sure it makes any sense, but then Dan just nods slowly. “I guess that would have… I dunno. Pissed me off. Because just ignoring it never worked for me. People still called me gay and beat me up.” 

Phil has to work not to flinch at hearing Dan say it so bluntly. He does pull Dan in closer for a hug. “I would have just been terrified of you, I think,” Phil whispers. 

“Why?” Dan asks. 

“Because you’re braver than me,” Phil says. “You were definitely braver than me when I was your age. And you’re probably braver than me now.” 

“Shut up,” Dan says, and the little sniffle after gives away that he’s crying. 

“Dan-” Phil uses his thumbs to try and wipe the tears away, then kisses Dan on the mouth. 

“It’s okay,” Dan says, but his fingers clutch at the back of Phil’s t-shirt. “I just want to stay like this for a while.”

“What about the video?” Phil asks. 

Dan shakes his head. “It can wait.” 

*

"Have you been on dates before?" Dan asks. 

His feet are hanging over the arm of the sofa, his head on a pillow that rests against Phil's thigh. He's eating Haribo, holding them between his teeth and tugging until the stretch of the sweet gives and it snaps in half. 

"Yeah," Phil says. He's still got his eyes on Spyro but he's nervous about where this conversation is going in that way he's always vaguely nervous about every conversation. 

It's weird how Dan makes him feel more comfortable than anyone else in some ways, and more anxious than anyone else in others. 

"Hmm." Dan stretches one foot out, then lets it drop again. 

"Not good ones, really," Phil says. "But I went on a few." 

"Tell me about them." 

Dan's voice is quiet, but he doesn't sound upset. 

"One guy took me out for fish and chips," Phil says. "My fingers were greasy so I wiped them on my jeans and then I had grease stains on my jeans and he kept staring at them." 

"Are you sure he wasn't checking your junk out?" Dan asks. 

"Um." Phil pauses, tilts his head. "I never thought of that." 

Dan laughs fondly. "You idiot. He was totally eyeing you up." 

Inspired by making Dan laugh like that, Phil keeps going. "I went on another date but he just took me back to his flat right off. I was so surprised that I pretended my mum was ringing me and I had to go home. Even though I didn't even live at home and my mum lived an hour and a half away." 

Dan snorts. "You could have at least made up some kind of sexy excuse." 

Phil adopts a posh voice, or his best attempt at one. "Oh, yes, Roger - I neglected to inform you that I'm actually a secret agent with the MI5 and I've just been called to duty to go... solve an international bank heist." 

"Exactly," Dan says, grinning. "And then tell him that you do have a firearm but you're not allowed to show it to civilians." 

"Well, I don't think I'll ever be seeing him again, so that was a missed opportunity," Phil says. "What about you? You've been on dates, yeah?" 

He knows Dan had a girlfriend for ages. He's seen the pictures of her on Dan's facebook. He talked to Dan while Dan cried the night they broke up for good, for real. 

He hopes the pain of that has soothed enough that Dan doesn't mind him asking. 

"Yeah," Dan says. "I've been on loads of them, I guess. But only with girls." 

Phil's not always quickest on the uptake, but he does catch on to the wistful note in Dan's voice. "Alright, then." 

"Alright what?" Dan asks, craning his head backwards to look at Phil. 

Phil boops Dan on the nose. "Alright, get up and put some real clothes on. I'm taking you out on a date." 

* 

His parents ring while he's getting dressed. 

Dan insisted on a shower, said that he couldn't go on his first real date with a boy without putting some effort into himself. 

Phil could answer the phone, and probably even have a few minutes of privacy to chat with his mum and dad, but he doesn't. 

It's already strange that his worlds are folding into each other like this. That Dan is someone his parents know, that they've met him, this boy that Phil is kissing and touching and making come in his own childhood bed. 

He's not sure why it didn't seem so strange to him before. Maybe it was just the excitement of Dan, and everything being bright and new and urgent in their impatience to close the distance between them. 

This week feels less urgent. Right now, at least. Maybe it will again toward the end, when the days they get together are dwindling. But right now a week feels like forever, like Dan is carving out a permanent place in this house, and it's doing Phil's head in in a way he can't explain. 

*

Dan radiates nervous energy and a kind of excitement that's contagious. Actually, both of them must be contagious, because butterflies flutter around in Phil's stomach as he looks at Dan with his freshly straightened hair and his button up shirt. 

Dan does look like he put effort in. It's the same sort of effort he put in that first day. Like he wants to impress Phil, and that feels better than it should. 

"You know, our first day in Manchester was basically a date," Phil says. "I took you to dinner and then we went on the big wheel." 

"Nope." Dan shakes his head. "Doesn't count, because we didn't say it was a date beforehand." 

Phil smiles a bit. "Is that so? Are those the rules?" 

"Those are the rules," Dan confirms. "Now where are you taking me? I expect to be woo'd." 

"Uhmm..." Phil draws it out. "I don't know if I'm very good at wooing, to be honest. But I was thinking, maybe we'd go into town and see Paranormal Activity? And then get dinner? Or we can eat before and get a drink after, if you're hungry now." 

"After, definitely," Dan says. "If we eat before then the movie gets gross I might hydropump on you and I feel like that'd ruin the date. You wouldn't want to kiss me with vommy breath." 

"Ew! That's so gross. I definitely wouldn't," Phil agrees. "But is that alright for a first proper date? Because if it's not, we can just call this hanging out and-" 

"Shut up," Dan says. "This is my first date with a boy and we're gonna see a fucking movie and then get fancy overpriced drinks." 

He laughs. He'd expected Dan to maybe make fun of him for the lack of originality, but when he looks more closely there's nothing but excitement on Dan's face. 

*

The cinema room is half empty because it's early still for a scary movie. They climb all the way to the top and sit in the back corner, and Phil tries not to think about why Dan wanted somewhere a bit out of sight. 

Phil's actually seen the movie already, but he's sort of glad. It means he knows when the jump scenes are coming and he can lean in close to Dan, or put his arm up on the arm rest for Dan to grab it. 

And Dan does. He hides his face in Phil's shoulder and squeals and reacts to what's going on. It's so loud that Phil might be embarrassed any other time but he can't do anything but glow with happiness that he's sat here with Dan touching him so freely. 

"Oh my god," Dan whispers. 

Phil giggles. "You're so cute." 

"Shut up." 

The screen cuts briefly to a bright light, then it goes away again. It gives Phil just a flash of Dan's smiling face, and he can't help but lean in and kiss that mouth. 

"There," Phil whispers. "Now you've officially been kissed in the cinema on your first date with a boy." 

* 

They don't actually snog through much of the movie, because it is a brilliant film and Dan's properly into it. 

Phil is too, even though he's already seen it. It's the sort of movie that makes him want to run back to York and into the editing bay or pick up a camera and make a movie all his own. 

He still thinks he might, one day. The only thing that makes him feel better than making movies with his friends is making youtube videos, but he's not sure if that's because he properly likes it more or if he just gets more attention for doing it. 

It's nice to have an audience, and loads of people who want to tell him how much they love him. It's just hard when the people around him - like his mum and dad - don't really understand it. They don't know that every time he posts a video, fifty thousand people see it. Or that when he tweets, he gets hundreds of responses. 

They get proud about things that they hold in their hands, or things on the television that they can ring their friends up to watch, friends who wouldn't even know what YouTube was. 

The credits roll and Dan doesn't move, so Phil doesn't either. 

"We have to stay til the end," Dan informs him, linking his fingers with Phil's like that'll make sure Phil doesn't go anywhere. 

Phil settles back. He doesn't say it out loud, but he's happy sitting here holding Dan's hand forever if Dan wants. 

*

Phil gets spaghetti carbonara because he's a simple man who likes his saucy noodles. Dan gets a chicken paella and they split bread dipped in oil that makes Phil feel fancy as hell for eating, even if his bit of the tablecloth is splattered with tomato sauce and oil by the time he's finished eating. 

"Are we getting dessert?" Dan asks, plucking up the dessert menu. 

"Do you know me?" Phil asks. "Have we met?" 

Dan smiles. Maybe it's just the flickering of the candlelight, but it looks like a private smile. "So what are we thinking?" He asks. "Panna cotta? Profiteroles? Tiramisu? Or do we just want to be basic hoes and get the chocolate cake." 

"Yes," Phil says, because he's never helpful on the topic of limiting desserts. 

Dan makes him settle on tiramisu, and for once Phil doesn't mind sharing all that much. 

*

"Do you still want a drink?" Phil asks, ask they leave the restaurant. He's forty pounds poorer but it's worth it. 

Everything about Dan is worth it. 

"Actually, no?" Dan says, like he's asking if that's alright. "I think I just want to go back home." 

Fear sparks in Phil's heart. His first thought is to wonder if he's done something wrong. "Really? Why?" 

Dan looks shyly over at him and half shrugs. "Because I want to kiss you in a way that I don't think they'll let us do in a bar." 

Phil starts walking faster toward the bus stop.

*

There's still a ten minute walk after the bus drops them off. 

The night is cold and halfway there Dan shoves his hand into Phil's pocket. "Warm," he says, as a reason. 

"Hot," Phil says. "You are." 

"Yoda, you are?" Dan laughs at him. 

"Maybe. Does that do it for you?" 

"Oh my god. You're such an-" Dan's sentence is cut off by Phil's mouth on his, right in the middle of the pavement. "Mmmph." 

Phil clutches Dan's jacket and thoroughly kisses him. "I'm such a what?" he asks when he pulls away, grinning and biting his lip. 

Dan blinks at him. "Dunno," he says. "Can't think." 

*

The tone shifts as soon as they get inside Phil's house. Dan turns into something out of a movie briefly, and Phil's stunned at how it feels to be literally pushed back against his own front door and kissed within an inch of his life. 

(How does it feel? 

Fucking amazing.) 

Dan's hands are everywhere, too. Shoving up under his shirt while Phil tries to get his coat off, pushing under his jeans as far as they can go. 

"Dan- Dan," Phil says, pushing him away but chasing with his mouth in a way that probably accomplishes nothing of what he actually wants to communicate, which is just that it'd be easier to get naked if they detached at the lips. 

Dan does eventually understand and they leave their coats heaped by the door along with their shoes. Phil laughs and kisses Dan as he walks him backwards toward the stairs, until Dan is the one who pulls away and starts taking them two at a time with Phil chasing fast behind him. 

* 

Phil's so hot from the inside out that he can't even remember what being cold felt like. 

"Is this really what I get for taking you on a date?" Phil asks. "I'm taking you out every day." 

"Please," Dan says, kneeling at the end of the bed. 

Phil's already mostly naked but Dan's still working his skinnies off, and watching him is making Phil's stomach flip a million times. 

He's hard too, and he's sure Dan can see that. He reminds himself that Dan seeing all those bits of him is actually the point; he wants Dan to know how much he's wanted. 

"Phil." Dan's voice shakes just a little. 

"Yeah?" Phil sits up, crawls forward. He makes it all the way down to the end of the bed and looks up at Dan. 

Dan looks... something. 

What is that expression on his face? 

Not scared, not quite. 

"You make me feel so much," Dan says. 

Phil nods desperately. "Me too. I mean, you too. To me." 

"I want you to make me feel more." Dan leans down a bit. 

Phil wraps his arms around Dan because he's close enough and he can, then pulls Dan down onto the bed with him. "What do you want?" he asks. "Anything." 

Dan closes his eyes a bit, but his voice sounds as sure as anything Phil's ever heard. "Get the lube." 

*

He goes for the cherry. It spills sticky over his fingers, and the scent of it is a burst of candy sweetness. 

"That's so weird," Dan says, fully naked now and spread out for Phil. 

Phil really just wants to stop and look but he doesn't want to make Dan feel weird. He doesn't know if they're at the 'I just want to stare at your balls a lot because they're weirdly pretty in a way balls shouldn't be' phase yet. 

Maybe before Dan leaves, though. 

"Are you sure?" Phil asks. 

He just goes for Dan's cock to start with. It's nice and hard under his touch and it makes his body thrum with arousal. He's primed for this. Just touching Dan feels about a million and a half times better than any of the last sexual encounters he can ever remember having. 

He hopes it's the same for Dan, but he doesn't really want to hear if it's not, so he doesn't ask. 

Dan nods and reaches down to push Phil's hand lower. "Do it." 

"Impatient," Phil teases. 

"Eighteen," Dan reminds him. "I'll probably just jizz from how you're looking at me right now if you don't hurry it up." 

"How am I looking at you?" Phil asks. His voice has gotten all throaty for some reason. 

Dan seems like it. "Like you want to eat me alive." 

Phil makes a silly face then, and roars out loud, because he can't really help himself. It makes Dan laugh and while Dan's distracted with that Phil presses a finger between his legs. 

Dan lets out a breathy noise. "Oh, are you-" 

"Shh," Phil says. He's not sure why he does that either. 

Sex makes his brain stop connecting things sometimes. Things just feel right, and he does them. 

He's not actually going in yet, though. He just wants to feel around a bit, rubbing slick fingertips against the wrinkled pucker. Dan must be very sensitive there because he keens in a way Phil doesn't think a touch like that would make him keen, so he rubs a little harder. 

"Fuck-" Dan gasps. "I didn't know it could feel that good." 

Phil puffs up with pride a bit at that. 

He's heard a little about Dan's previous times with guys, and he's not really surprised that none of them took the time to properly prepare Dan and make him feel good with it. 

It makes him all the more determined now to try and right every wrong anyone's ever done with Dan, even the wrongs that were more about carelessness than malice. 

* 

He spends a long time there just touching Dan, going between stroking his cock and rubbing his taint and then down further. He takes so long that he has to add more lube and Dan's a sweaty twitching mess, a gossamer thread of precome steadily connecting between the tip of his dick and his stomach. 

"Please," he finally begs. "Put your fucking finger in me." 

Phil has to reach down and squeeze himself. He thinks about adding yet more lube but it's all over them both anyway so he just scoops a bit from where it’s dripping down Dan's balls and pushes it a bit inside, easing his finger in with it. 

Dan clenches around him. "Keep going," he says. "It doesn't hurt." 

That had been the question he was going to ask, but he trusts Dan so he gets a finger all the way in and then he has to stop because he's not eighteen but his stamina still has its limits. Being buried past the second knuckle inside Dan is one of them. 

* 

He adds a second but stops after that. "Next time," he promises, when Dan says he wants more, rubbing Dan's thigh soothingly. 

Dan's face is splotchy red and his neck is even redder, flushed halfway down his chest. There's sweat glistening against his collarbones and Phil's obsessed with it as he crooks the two fingers he's got in and searches, searches, searches until Dan draws up and tries to curl into himself. 

He knows he's found the spot. He rocks his fingers against it, not a steady pressure but almost a tapping. 

"Fuck, fuck-" Dan wails. "Touch me, please." 

Phil's shit with his left hand, he's not ambidextrous the way Dan is, but Dan doesn't need too much more than just a fist around him anyway. He fucks up into it and then down onto Phil's fingers and it's only seconds more before he's making even more a mess of himself, come layering over the fragrant puddles of dried tacky lube. 

*

Phil wanks off lying on his side just staring at the blissed out spectacle that is Dan. His mind is a loop of memories piling one on top of the other, but mostly when he comes what he's thinking of is the squeeze of Dan's orgasm around his fingers and how nice it'll feel around his cock. He's thinking those base carnal thoughts, the sorts he wouldn't say to Dan because he doesn't want Dan to think he's in a rush for anything. 

But he can see in his mind's eye - his body curling over Dan's, pumping into him. He can practically feel Dan sweating underneath him and just taking it all. He can hear Dan's voice calling his name and telling him how good Phil feels inside of him. 

"Phil," Dan whispers. 

Phil hadn't even realized his eyes had closed. They fly open and he sees Dan looking straight at him and that's all he needs to push him over. 

*

They shower together, the spray washing the residue from their body. 

They can't stop laughing for some reason. They laugh at the way the lube has matted in Dan's pubic hair and the way there's come so far up his chest and the way Phil keeps saying Dan's so pretty and kissing his face and the stupid flower monogrammed towels in the bathroom and just - everything. 

It's all so good and Phil's heart feels so full up he wants to burst as he gets the sheets on his bed changed and then settles in to end the most perfect sort of day with the most perfect sort of boy. 

*

“I don’t want you to leave,” Phil says. 

Their last day together feels like it’s looming. 

They don’t leave the house. They barely leave the bed. Phil brings Dan toast and eggs on a plate he poorly balances and they eat together without caring about crumbs in the sheets. 

He’ll wash them later, once Dan’s gone. 

Fuck. 

Dan’s going to leave. 

Phil isn’t sure what to do with all this heaviness settled in his chest. He tries to put it out of his mind as they watch stupid television shows on his laptop. 

He can tell Dan’s trying not to think of it, too. He can tell by the way neither of them are talking much, and the way Dan’s touching him more than he has. He’s lying with his head on Phil’s bare shoulder and his fingers petting absently over Phil’s chest hair and it feels so good Phil wants to cry. 

Why can’t he have a good thing that stays? 

It’s a petulant thought, he knows. And besides, Dan might be here to stay, one day. He said he applied to Manchester. 

But next September feels too far away to comprehend. All he can really think is that Dan’s getting on a train tomorrow. 

“Phil,” Dan whispers. 

“Yeah?” Phil strokes a hand over Dan’s back. It’s strange how touching Dan has become like second nature in the span of a week. The part of him that wondered if he was really allowed has gone quiet and content. 

“I’m happy right now.” 

*

_Pete’s a twat_, Dan texts. 

So he’s just seen tweet reminding Phil to throw away all the condom wrappers. Phil had been embarrassed for a few seconds before letting a new kind of smugness take over. 

Dan’s probably halfway back to reading by now. Phil’s been home for almost half an hour, and he’s soothing his pining heart by tidying the house. 

(Starting with… well, not condom wrappers, but still putting away things he wouldn’t want his mum and dad to see.)

His mum will be shocked when she gets home. She’ll probably want to know what the secret to getting him to actually clean up after himself is. 

Turns out the secret to a lot of things is Dan. 

*

It’s nice to have his parents back in the house. 

He’d still take having Dan here over anything else, but he can’t deny that he misses his mum and dad when he doesn’t see them for a while. It’s the reason he always came home at least once a month from uni. 

Mum hugs and mum meals, those are the things that get him through life. 

He feels odd when he greets her this time, though. Maybe he’s still just overwhelmed by the whole week with Dan, but he feels almost like a different person is hugging him hello. 

If anything he reckons he should feel like the new person, not her. But he just feels like the same Phil he’s always been, only he fits a little differently in her arms. 

“Phil? Are you listening to me?” she says. 

“Um.” He can’t really lie. She’d see right through him. 

She reaches up and rubs a thumb over a worry crease in his forehead he didn’t even know was there. “Have you got some heavy thoughts?” 

His thoughts feel like mopey rainclouds right now. It’s mostly just… missing Dan. But He wonders how she can tell. 

He knows the question is on his face when he pulls back. 

She smiles encouragingly at him. “Don’t worry so much, child. It’ll be alright. No need to look so fearful.” 

His stomach drops. What did he forget to do? Did he leave something lying out? Did a neighbor see them? Was it at the store when they were buying… stuff? “What?” 

“Your dad just wants to talk to you,” she continues. He begins to get the feeling like whatever bit of conversation he missed might have actually been important. “We’ll just talk over dinner and sort a few things out about you finding a job.” 

“Oh-” Suddenly Phil remembers the phone call he’d had with them earlier, his dad wanting to discuss some jobs that business friends of his might have open. Phil isn’t sure if it’s disappointment or relief making him queasy. It’s not like he’s all that eager to hear from his parents again how he can’t live in their house forever. They’ll support him whatever he chooses to do, they just say that they need him to make a choice. They say it like it’s easy when it seems to Phil like the hardest thing ever. He forces a smile. “Yeah. It’ll be okay.”

“Sure it will,” she says. “Now come and see what we’ve brought you from Florida!” 

*

“It looks red,” Phil insists, squinting at himself through the Skype window. 

“I told you not to buy the three pound one.” 

“You did not,” Phil says, laughing. “You didn’t even know what kind you got!” 

“Well, you should consult me more then.” 

“The next time the store is out of my normal dye, you’ll be the first call I make,” Phil promises. 

“And then you won’t end up with red hair.” Dan pauses. “You could pull it off, though.” 

“Back to my ginger roots.” He thickens his accent for the last couple of words. 

“Wait, what?” Dan suddenly gives Phil his full attention. “Ginger roots?”

“Literally,” Phil says. “Without the black I’m a bit ginger.” 

“Um, excuse me.” Dan glares at him. “Why wasn’t I aware of this?” 

Phil laughs. “Because I’ve been dyeing my hair since I was sixteen.” 

“Who do I bribe to get those pictures?” Dan asks. 

“My mum, I guess?” 

“Right.” Dan squares his shoulders. “It’s on. When I visit next week, I am definitely bribing your mum for your baby pictures.” 

The conversation continues on, meandering down different nonsense paths but that’s the thing that sticks in Phil’s head. He’s still chewing on it hours later, still thinking about Dan so casually wanting to see his baby pictures. 

He remembers his mum showing Martyn’s last girlfriend the baby books. 

He remembers them sitting side by side on the sofa, the girl’s blonde hair against his mum’s brighter red. Martyn acted mortified but Phil thinks about how he’d feel if that were Dan instead and he reckons it’d be awfully nice. 

That’s what makes him sad. 

*

“Mum,” Phil says, pushing mushy peas around on his plate with his fork. 

He’ll eat them. He’s just got to get this one thing done first, so his stomach can stop feeling like it’s full of rocks. 

“Yes?” she asks, glancing at him. When he doesn’t say anything at first, she tilts her head and studies him more closely. 

He always feels like she can read his mind. Secret mum powers. Or maybe she just… knows him. 

As much as anyone in his family does. 

“Do you mind if Dan comes back next week?” 

She gives him a surprised look. “Dan? Wasn’t he here last week?” 

“Yeah,” Phil says. “But we were working on a project for youtube, and we didn’t get it finished. And there’s a Christmas gathering on Sunday, you know, like the Halloween one that we went to?”

“Dan was at that as well?” she asks. 

He’s sure he told her. He’s suddenly not sure if she actually forgot or if she’s just trying to make some kind of point. Those rocks are just getting heavier instead of going away. 

It’s not enough of a concern for him not to ask, though. He’s afraid he actually may explode if he really has to wait weeks to see Dan again, and he doesn’t want just Sunday at the gathering. He wants as much time as he can get before it, he doesn’t want to have to share. 

He’s afraid for a moment that she’s actually going to say no but instead she says, “Alright, I suppose that’s fine.” 

He still can’t stop himself from studying her expression in search of things she may not be saying. 

*

He makes the couch bed up again, knowing he has no intention of letting Dan sleep on it. 

*

They spend the whole day in Manchester. 

It’s partly that Phil just doesn’t want to go back home until his parents are in bed so no one asks where Dan is sleeping, but it’s more than just that. 

He wants Dan to himself. It’s a weird, keen craving but just the idea of sitting in a room with his mum and dad and Dan makes him feel all sorts of strange. 

So they have dinner and then drinks at the skybar while the sun sets and then they walk around town and look at the Christmas lights all twinkling and pretty on display. 

“Is it cheesy if I say I want to hold your hand?” Dan asks. 

Phil smiles so much his face hurts. It’s cold outside but he feels so warm. “Cheesy is nice,” he says. 

“Cheesy, but not cheese?” 

Phil laughs. “Exactly.” 

*

The walk back home feels like a journey through an ice cave, but it’s worth it when they creep quietly through Phil’s darkened house. 

Coming in late always feels like keeping secrets. They giggle quietly as they creep up the stairs, mindful of the creaky one. 

*

Neither of them are actually sleepy once they're safely tucked away from the world in Phil's bedroom. They've been keeping late hours on Skype and right now Phil's internal clock is set to sleep some time around half three and not to wake until midday. 

His dad keeps making comments about how he'll need to sort that out once he gets a job. Phil tries to pretend he doesn't hear them because plugging his ears to the things his parents say that make him feel squirrelly on the inside has worked out well so far. 

He doesn't feel that way right now, though. Now he just feels like the whole world is made of magic and Dan's crawling into his bed like it's where he's meant to be. 

Phil strips down to his pants and slips underneath the blankets with him. "Hi," he whispers. 

"Hi," Dan says back 

His fringe is flopped in front of his eyes and Phil can't help but reach out to push it away. "Wanna see." 

"See what?" 

"You." 

Dan rolls his eyes. "Shut up." 

"Nuh uh." 

"Uh huh." 

"Alright," Phil says. "if you really want me to." 

"I don't," Dan answers immediately. 

"I don't want you to either." 

Dan laughs. It's one of those laughs Phil doesn't love the sound of, because it sounds like Dan's laughing at himself. "You'd be the first person like... in the history of ever."

Phil frowns. "Dan." 

"It's true," Dan says. 

"Well, I don't think it is." Phil reaches under the duvet and rests his hand on Dan's hip. "And I'm the king of everything so I'm always right." 

"Are you then?" Dan murmurs. 

"Mhm." 

"Don't kings have royal orders? What are yours?"

"For you to kiss me," Phil says. "And also never stop talking?" 

"You want me to talk while I kiss you." 

"Always," Phil says. 

"You're so silly." Dan says it as he presses his mouth to Phil's. 

"But I mean it," Phil softly says. "I do love it when you talk. I love everything you have to say. And I hate that other people made you think you shouldn't talk." 

"Not like it ever actually stopped me," Dan points out. "Just got my head slammed against a coat peg and rubbish thrown at me for it." 

Phil's stomach drops. "I really hate that." 

"It's okay," Dan says. 

"It's not." Phil's voice is still quiet but it's intense. "It's really not." 

"Wow," Dan says faintly. "I don't think I've ever heard you sound angry before." 

"I'm not angry at you," Phil says. 

"Yeah." Dan's eyes don't leave his. 

"I'm angry for you." 

"Fuck." Dan shuts his eyes. 

"What?" Phil asks. 

"Nothing." Dan's breath is shallow. 

Phil starts to actually worry. "Dan?" 

Dan opens his eyes and they look a bit wet. "It's nothing." 

Phil strokes his hand up Phil's side. "Dan." 

Dan surges forward and kisses Phil. "I don't deserve you." 

"You deserve everything." Phil wants to cry now. It's weird that this is part of what being in love feels like, caring so much for someone else that when they hurt, you hurt for them. He's felt this for friends before, of course - just never quite this _much_. "I want you to have everything." 

"I just want you," Dan whispers. 

"You have that." Phil tugs him in and Dan curls up close to Phil, hugging him in the quiet safety of the night. 

*

Phil wakes up before Dan in the morning and he creeps carefully out of bed without making a sound. 

He wants Dan to get to sleep in, but he's been up all night with thoughts all in and out of his head and he also wants some quiet space to maybe just think them through. 

He doesn't get that. 

What he gets is his mum in the kitchen brewing a strong pot of coffee, the sort he normally appreciates so much. But now he just feels vulnerable with her eyes on him, like she can tell the shape of the person he just walked away from and the place they've taken up in his life. 

"Good morning," she says, so pleasantly. 

"Good morning," Phil mumbles. 

She kisses the side of his head as he walks by her. 

"Is Dan still asleep?" she asks. "Did he get in alright?" 

"Yeah." He doesn't specify which question he's answering. 

"He's a sweet boy, isn't he?" 

Agreeing feels like a trap but he nods anyway. He distracts himself by pouring coffee and doesn't think about just how sweet Dan really is, especially when he stares at Phil like Phil is something he can't believe exists. 

It's a bit terrifying to have to live up to that. If he were this scared by any other thing, he'd probably be asking his mum for help or advice or just a hug. 

Instead he sips his coffee. 

*

His parents are gone for the day by the time Dan does wake up. 

Phil’s relieved, though the relief sits uneasy with him. 

They’re sat on the sofa watching a movie when Phil blurts out the question, “What would you do if your parents found out you weren’t straight?” 

Dan looks at him. He doesn’t seem surprised at the question, and the words fall easy out of his mouth. “Hide forever. Move out. Or maybe my dad would kick me out.” 

Phil is horrified. “Is he that… you know…” 

“Homophobic?” Dan shrugs. “Don’t know. He might pull that fucked up move where he says it’s different when it’s his kid, but what the fuck does that mean, you know? That he’s going to let me stick around _despite_ the fact that I like dick? Am I supposed to be grateful for that?” 

Phil feels slapped in the face. His heart starts to race in a way he associates with public speaking and that one time at university just before the group chat and generally moments drenched in terror. 

“Yeah,” Phil says, quietly. 

Dan doesn’t seem to notice. “Anyway, I did think my mum knew at one point. When I was fifteen I had bisexual on my myspace profile and people at school found out. I kept expecting one of them would tell her, but I guess no one ever did.” 

“Yeah,” Phil says again. 

Dan does catch on this time. “Are you okay?” 

Phil shrugs. “I guess.” 

He looks down. His hands are trembling. 

_Am I supposed to be grateful for that?_

“Phil?” 

Phil forces his head back up. Dan seems concerned now. “Why do people even care?” he asks. “Why does it even matter?” 

Dan laughs bitterly. “Fuck if I know, mate. But it’d make my life easier if they didn’t.” 

Phil can’t do anything but nod in his agreement. 

*

They leave for the Christmas gathering on Sunday, so early in the morning that Phil’s head swims with it. The only thing keeping him properly awake is the bitter cold and the promise of the good time ahead. 

*

It is a good time. There are peppermint schnapps and sing alongs and party crackers and cameras shoved in his face. He likes the way everyone makes him laugh, the way it feels like he’s comfortably with _his people_ in moments like this. 

His people - and Dan. 

*

They trudge out the door of someone else’s guest room feeling mildly worse for wear. 

The gathering is still technically happening, people threading together loose plans. But they’ve got to get on trains going to separate places and Phil has that feeling in the back of his head like a clock counting down. It makes his chest go tight and makes him cling even harder. 

“How about the museum?” Dan asks, and relief loosens that tightness some. 

“Taking me on a date to see the dinosaurs?” Phil asks, giddiness overtaking his hangover. 

He loves the way Dan’s hair flops in front of his eyes when he ducks his head down shyly. “Yeah,” Dan says, in that bashful voice. “Maybe. If you want.” 

“I want,” Phil says. 

*

Hours later, as he sits freezing his bum off on the cold and probably disgusting floor of a crowded train, he’s still wrapped in thoughts of Dan. He’s thinking about dinosaurs and the chips they shared and the kiss goodbye they stole away in a quiet alcove at the station. 

That patch on Dan’s cheek was a bright shade of red when they pulled away. Phil knows Dan was being brave. 

Maybe Phil was being brave, too. It’s not like he goes around snogging boys in public places all the time. But Phil had years at uni where it didn’t matter quite so much. 

Dan hasn’t had that. And Phil doesn’t want to shy away from anything Dan wants to do, because he doesn’t want Dan to think that Phil thinks there’s any reason to be ashamed or scared. 

Because Phil doesn’t think there is. 

Except… sometimes when he does. 

Or sometimes when he thinks that other people do. 

He shifts away from someone’s leg pressing into him and stares at the metal grating of the floor. 

He feels like he’s spent the past decade of his life telling himself it didn’t really matter. It’s not like his mum and dad don’t like gay people. They’ve never been homophobic. They just make the same sorts of comments everyone makes - lisping accents to indicate flamboyance. Talking about that one second cousin of his mum’s who’s lived her whole life with her ‘best friend’ Jean. Knowing looks. Comments on awkward scenes in television shows and no one needing to see all of that. 

Phil looks up. He wishes his phone battery weren’t almost dead so he could pound these thoughts away with the latest Muse album, but he doesn’t have headphones with him anyway. 

He’s had ten years to tell himself it didn’t matter, and he’s not sure what to do with himself now that it does. 

*

“Dan Dan Dan, it’s snowing!” Phil shouts down the phone line. 

“What?” Dan sounds half asleep. 

Phil doesn’t care. 

“It’s snowing!” 

“Shut up,” Dan mumbles. His voice is muffled. Phil can picture perfectly Dan’s face buried in a pillow. 

“Is it snowing there?” 

“Of course not, you spoon,” Dan says. “I’m in the southland where it never snows.” 

“Well, it’s snowing here!” 

“And you had to call me at fuck’o’clock to tell me?” 

“Yes,” Phil says. “Because - it’s _snowing_.” 

Dan finally laughs. “Send me pictures.” 

*

Dan has a fight with his parents. 

It happens a lot. Mostly, Phil’s learning, he just needs to listen. Dan always has a lot of angry thoughts in his head when he fights with his family, and he just needs space to let them out and let them live some place that another person gets to hear them, and then he feels better. 

“I don’t even want to be here,” Dan says. “It’s almost fucking Christmas, and I don’t want to be here.” 

“Where do you want to be?” Phil asks. 

“If I could be anywhere?”

“Yeah,” Phil says. “Anywhere.” 

“I’d be there with you.” 

*

Dan’s Christmas present comes four days after Phil orders it. 

His mum intercepts the package. She leaves it on his bed, already opened. 

“I’m sorry about that,” she says. “I thought it was something I ordered for your brother, I swear they said it was going to be delivered today.” 

“It’s fine,” he says. 

It’s not like the present was something embarrassing. 

“Funny looking little thing you got there, though.” Her voice is too casual to actually be casual. 

“It’s a Tonberry,” Phil says. “From Final Fantasy, the video game.”

“Oh, is it, now?”

“Yep.” He starts to scope out the escape routes. Can he just dart for the stairs and back up to his room? He imagines a ridiculous scenario where she tackles him on his way out. 

“For anyone special?” she asks. 

The question feels like a sledgehammer dropping straight down onto his guts. 

The shape of the word _no_ is right there on his lips, but he doesn’t let it fall. He reigns it in and thinks of brave kisses in a train station and, strangely enough, crying during Wall-E, and he says: “It’s for Dan.” 

“Dan,” she repeats. There’s definitely a _something_ to her voice. 

He can’t stand it anymore. He gets up on legs he hopes will continue to hold him and says, “I’ll be in my room.” 

She lets him go. 

*

Phil’s got a secret talent for ideas sometimes. 

It’s something that’s always just made his teachers exasperated with him. He’s clever enough, he just wants to be chasing the paths in his head instead of doing what they actually instructed him to do. 

It’s one of the reasons youtube has been the best place ever for him. He gets a spark of an idea and there’s nothing stopping him from chasing it and sometimes when he’s lucky he actually manages to see it all the way through, and other people actually watch it. 

He’s not sure he’ll ever get over the surge of feeling he gets when the views start to pour in. He’s never done drugs, but he doesn’t think he needs to. No high could be as good as this. 

He’s already seeing it in his mind as he tells Dan about his next interactive adventure. 

“And you can come help me film it,” he says, like the noisy end of an exhalation. 

“What?” Dan asks. 

“You can come help me film,” Phil repeats. “This week. I’ll buy you a train ticket as part of your Christmas present.”

“Phil, Christmas is in like four days.” 

“So come tomorrow.” 

“My grandma’s having a dinner at her house tomorrow… but maybe the day after?” Dan’s catching on fast, hope and happiness in his voice. 

“Yeah!” Phil bounces up and down on his bed, heart soaring. 

*

“Mum.” Phil just needs to get the words out before he sicks everywhere. “We don’t have anything happening on Christmas Eve, do we?” 

She looks suspicious right away. “Just the normal.” 

The normal is some family coming over and a big roast dinner. 

“What about the day before?” 

“No, nothing at all,” she says. 

“So… I’m working on a new video, an interactive adventure where people are going to send me loads of clips and options and I’m going to edit them all together using annotations-” He keeps going, using big words he hopes she’ll get lost in. “And I was thinking Dan could come up and help me edit.” 

Her eyebrows jump up. “Dan’s going to take a train for six hours all told just to help you put together one of your videos?” 

He doesn’t even have the energy to be offended by her tone when she says ‘one of your videos.’ He knows she doesn’t mean to sound belittling about it. He knows she supports him. 

He’s just afraid that his whole life might be spent navigating a minefield in his family home and telling himself the little barbs and stings don’t really hurt if the person delivering them doesn’t mean to hurt him. 

“Yeah,” Phil says. “He’s good like that.” 

“A good mate,” she says. 

He’s not sure if she’s testing him or not. 

“And I want to see him.” Phil cocks his chin. Maybe he’s just testing her now. 

She smiles. “Well, I always need more mouths to test out my cakes and biscuits for me.” 

*

“The lavender ones are my favorites,” Dan declares, wiping tea biscuit crumbs from his lips. 

They’ve been filming for Phil’s Christmas adventure since the moment Dan arrived. It’s past ten at night and Phil can only just feel his nose again. The warm mug of cocoa in his hands and even warmer, fresh baked biscuits currently residing in his stomach help chase the winter cold away. 

And... maybe Dan, too, just a bit. Just the way he looks wearing fuzzy red plaid pajama bottoms and a t-shirt he’s borrowed off Phil. 

Phil just likes how it feels to be sat here with Dan and his family. Martyn’s half asleep and snoring in their dad’s reclining chair. Phil’s mum is coming in and out with different things for them to test and review, and she’s roped his dad into helping do the dishes as she bakes. The house smells of spice and sugar and the television is playing reruns of Christmas specials. 

It’s a peculiar feeling specific to this small stretch of days in a year, everyone up late rushing to do all sorts of things at night that they haven’t had time to do during the day. The presents piled under the tree had to be wrapped and tomorrow’s dinner had to be prepared and gifts had to go out to all the neighbors. 

He and Dan are both on their laptops editing and halfway making fun of what’s on television. 

“A double batch of the lavender it is,” Kath says, then slips Dan an extra one for his input. 

*

“You’re a sad duck, aren’t you?” Kath asks. 

It’s Christmas Eve and Dan’s left. Phil’s trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but he feels like it’s currently somewhere halfway back to Wokingham right now. 

But he doesn’t want to say that, so he just shrugs. 

She sits beside him and puts her arm around him. There’s a flour smudge on her cheek and she feels like home as he rests his head on her shoulder. “I’m okay,” he finally says. 

Her voice is very careful when she speaks. “Dan’s lovely,” she says. “And he’s welcome any time around here, you know that.” 

He holds his breath. “Mum?” 

“I’m just-” She falters slightly. “Your dad and I, we want you to know he’s welcome any time.” 

She squeezes him around the shoulders. Slowly, slowly - he lets the stiffness seep from them, knowing she must have felt the sudden tensing. “That’s good.”

She sighs so softly he almost thinks he made it up, then lets go of him. “Back to the work, I suppose.” 

“Mum-” He stops her when she’s halfway out of the room. She turns back. He’s sure he isn’t making up the unsureness in her eyes. “Thank you.”

She smiles at him and he thinks maybe there are tears in her eyes. It makes him uneasy still, but he forces himself to return the smile. 

*

“It’s weird,” he says, hours later on the phone to Dan. 

He’s only told Dan a bit of it. He doesn’t want to say too much. He knows Dan’s sure his own parents wouldn’t accept him, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s rubbing his mum’s tentative gesture in Dan’s face. 

But Dan doesn’t seem to be taking it like that. If anything, Dan’s happy. “I’m just glad your parents don’t hate me like everyone else I’ve ever met has.” 

“Dan-” Phil protests. “People don’t hate you.” 

“Phil.” 

“Only stupid people hate you.” 

Dan laughs. “I’ll agree with that one.” 

“And my mum’s not stupid, so of course she doesn’t. Besides, you like her lavender biscuits, and no one else does.” 

“So I got points for that? Good,” Dan says. “You’ll have to tell me more things I can do in order to make her love me more than she loves you.” 

“Hey!” Phil laughs. “That’s not allowed.” 

“Wanna bet?” Dan asks. “Anyway, she thinks I’m lovely, and she never had to change my shitty nappies. I’m already two up.” 

They keep talking nonsense until Phil’s eyes grow heavy. “I need to sleep.” 

“Sleep is for the weak.” 

“I am weak.” Phil yawns noisily. 

Dan yawns too. “Fuck you. You did that on purpose.” 

“Nuh-” He yawns again. “Uh.” 

“Go to sleep,” Dan says. “I’ll stay up researching how to make my boyfriend’s mum love me.” 

“She will because I do,” Phil mumbles. 

There’s silence down the line. “Really?” 

“Dan.” Phil realizes what he’d said, and maybe he hadn’t meant to say it, but it doesn’t make it any less true. “Yeah.” 

“Oh.” Dan does that voice he does when he’s smiling really big. Phil is very familiar with that from their skype sessions. “Me, too.” 

“Good.” 

“Good.” 

“Gooder.” 

“Goodest.” 

“Good…. Night?” 

“You’re awful,” Dan says. “Go to sleep before you yawn-infect me again.” 

Phil giggles. That’s a sign of how tired he is. “Hey, Dan?” he says, just before he hangs up. 

“What?” 

“My mum thinks you’re lovely. And so do I.” He smacks a kiss into the phone then hangs it up. 

He gets a text from Dan almost immediately that’s just a simple: _^_^_

**Author's Note:**

> [read and reblog on tumblr](https://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/187554770070/the-second-tetris-block-danphil-rated-e-176k)
> 
> thank you to sarah for being the best beta reader and hand holder and to keelin for all the enthusiasm and being my 2009 expert <3


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